2019 - A look back.

2019.

What a year you were.

I know I’m about to be a big ball of emotions, but there is absolutely nothing better than being able to reflect on what you’ve learnt, experienced and gained.

2019 brought me the most exhilarating moment of my entire life. Nothing will ever compare to the first moment I birthed and held my beautiful baby boy Gabriel. There really is nothing quite like the unconditional love you hold for your own child. An experience that can only truly be felt through your own senses.

Looking back to the start of this year, I honestly was so damn scared. I was scared that I would lose myself, that I wasn’t fit to be a mum, that maybe I would lose the best years of my life in my 20s, that it happened all too quick and life was no-where near I had imagined at 20. That’s the stuff I never spoke of I guess. I was so scared of being judged for seeming like I was inconsiderate or ungrateful, but in that moment, no one knows your situation. Looking back now I remember crying one night in bed while I was pregnant listening to a particular song, I was hoping that one day after I had Gabe everything wouldn’t seem as hard as in that moment. The beauty of music is that it can take you back to a certain moment, and boy, hearing that song now, while holding the greatest achievement of my life in my arms, has just has proven to me that you will eventually see the light in every moment.

Gabe you have taught me so many things. I hope to raise you to be a kind and loving boy. The rest is up to you. I know we are usually a product of our environment, and while I’ll always still be learning, I am so glad I get to do life by your side.

This year, I really put myself first and removed toxic people out of my life. I started to turn down the sound of opinions that don’t matter, and be consciously aware of my energy and who I allow into my head and space.

I’ve felt the healthiest I have ever felt.

I really felt what anxiety means, and have progressively learnt new tools to help me cope with it.

I learnt that being present in moment is the most important thing you can ever spend doing with your time.

I learnt that babies grow so damn quick, (even though everyone tells you beforehand but you are too stubborn to take on anyone’s advice(or maybe I’m the only stubborn one)

I have the ability to do whatever I please, IT JUST TAKES CONSISTENCY AND TIME. (and patience which I have gotten a little better at this year, but it still needs lots of work)

That no one is actually on a timeline. It’s a preconceived bullshit notion that society created, and somehow we all feel pressured to be like that. Telling myself to just allow, and what will be will be has been the most freeing thing I could have ever imagined.

That a lot of people still have a lack-of-mindset and always will. At the end of the day, I can only help to inspire others to make better choices for themselves, and that people are more inclined to negotiate without feeling like they are having decisions made for them.

I decided to leave the people pleaser me behind that constantly needs to keep the peace and hates confrontation. I am finally learning to stand up for myself in all sorts of situations whether it be relationships, boundaries or just valuing my own time.

I dived deeper into spirituality and energies. I am so excited to keep learning more.

I fell back in love with reading. I am now at the age where buying me vacuums and books for Christmas are the highlight.

I am back journaling more consistently than I ever have (maybe apart from writing my crushes name back in grade 4) and it feels so freeing and is amazing to see what your mind is constantly playing on. I noticed there were a few aspects I kept playing negatively on, and I wasn’t seeing the progression I wanted because I was blocking it by staying in a lack mindset.

But finally I’ve realised is that I will always be growing and evolving. Becoming a mother has only made me into more of who I am because I really have had the time to let my creative side flourish. I start each day with the highest energy seeing your little face Gabe. So this is me thanking the universe for everything that comes my way, because I know everything is right where it needs to be at this point in my life.

2020 I am so damn excited to see where we go.